Dawning Creations

It takes a bigger person to admit when they’re wrong. I am trying to be a bigger person in admitting that I was seriously and completely wrong about myself and to jump to conclusions about my sexuality. Sexuality, as I am learning is a very ambiguous thing. It’s not black and white and I perceived it. When I was younger, I always thought a relationship between two women was beautiful and so was the relationship between a man and woman and man and man. I never saw it as a big deal. I never understood it all though. I didn’t hear anything about the gay community until I was in middle school so I hadn’t had any experiences about it. At first glance, I perceived it as a choice. That some people were just gay and that they chose it. However, even though I thought it was a choice, I never thought it was wrong. NEVER. I still don’t. It wasn’t until late middle school about 7th or 8th grade that I started to question my own sexuality. I started dating when I was only 12 years old. My first  boyfriend was Adam and he was 16 years old. We would kiss in my basement and he would throw rocks at my window early in the morning to let me know he was at my house. I was surprised that my mom had let me date him. The funny thing is that he was my bully in the 6th grade. I had a crush on him for 2 years prior to us dating. It was the strangest thing. I remember that we started dating after I kissed him on the swing that was in my back yard. He was sleeping there and I just couldn’t help myself. I remember how special I felt every time he kissed me. It made me feel like I was beautiful. Then, things started to turn very bitter very fast. He became mean and stayed a bully. He would only kiss me when we were alone and wouldn’t act like we were dating in front of his older friends. See, when I was younger, I always hung around older kids because they liked me better than the people my age liked me. I think it was because I was entertaining to them and because I always had a strange mature art of myself. I could just get things that most kids didn’t. The trouble was that really hurt me in the end. Not the hanging out with the older kids, but dating him. At the end of that summer, he was gone and never came back. In a way, I was hurt a little bit. At the same time, however, I was relieved. It felt good to be single and not have to deal with his abuse anymore. Even though it wasn’t severe, it was enough to leave bruises and emotional scares for a 12 year old. I remember the one time he said something to me that I didn’t want to hear and I kicked him in the nuts! He asked for it. Anyway- back to the point…. I started questioning myself when I broke up with him and started listening to Madonna. I thought she was beautiful. But not in the way that a straight woman sees another woman as beautiful. I was attracted to her. Very attracted to her. I used to day dream about being with her. I felt so weird but at the same time, I didn’t question it. I figured it was a normal thing. As a matter of fact, when I brought it up to my mom, she said it was natural and that many people question things. SO, I didn’t worry. Unfortunately, in high school it started to make me worry. I was only attracted to maybe 2 guys in high school but they were a lot older and would never go out with the likes me. It wasn’t necessarily a low self-esteem thing but rather a matter of fact thing. They were a lot older and I didn’t even know them. I didn’t have the courage I have today to approach them either. But that was okay because I had my books and stories. Eventually,I did date a few guys though. They were friends first which I liked because I trusted them. We had fun together and it was innocent. There was just no connection. I wasn’t attracted. After high school, it was the same story but different situations. I dated guys and there wasn’t attraction. I dated one guy for a year and 3 months and I truly loved him but I wasn’t in love with him. I had to end it and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I went through such a bad depression from that decision because I knew he really loved me and that he deserved better than me. The guilt was over whelming. It got so bad that my mom almost sent me to the hospital because she was afraid  I was going to hurt myself. It was after that point that I really started to question my sexuality. I always thought women were attractive, even when I was dating all of the guys I dated. I never once cheated or thought about cheating. It wasn’t anything like that. It was just curiosity.A year after breaking up with him, I dated this girl online. She was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She was very patient with me and has put up with a lot as my ex bf of a year and 3 months had as well. We got through a lot together and I treasure that about them both. But she and I have just broke up because confusion is in the air all over again. I think maybe it’s safe to say aloud that I don’t know my sexuality. I don’t believe that I am fully lesbian as I thought but I don’t believe I’m fully straight either. I don’t know if I’d call myself bi or pans. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it has to do more with the person and not the gender. Whatever it is, it’s God willing. I leave it to him because I can’t decipher this on my own anymore. He showed me my attraction to women and proved to me it’s okay numerous times. It might sound crazy to those of you who aren’t religious. It sounds crazy to me too sometimes. But as Mika would say, this is my interpretation. The reason I am writing this is for all of those people who are in the same boat as me. I just want to say that it’s okay to be confused and questioning. It doesn’t make us liars or sinful or bad. We are just human. We make mistakes and confuse ourselves time and time again. We make bad judgments and quick judgments based on emotions and feelings. We go through phases of life that change our minds and make us believe certain things. We get into denial. WE’RE HUMAN!!! Humans will always falter. It’s just the facts of life. But to be honest and admit that we falter and are wrong time and time again, is a noble thing in my eyes because it teaches others that it’s okay to be wrong. SO…. for all of those whom I said I was positive about my sexuality.. I’m sorry but I’m not anymore. I was at the time- just not now. All of you who told me that it could change and might not be so fixed, you were right. So.. go ahead tell me I was wrong and rub it in. It’s okay. 🙂 I can take it. I can handle everything that’s dished my way. I’ve been through it all. Luckily, I’m surrounded by great people who support me and my massively confused self haha. I love you guys!

I have never been with a woman or fully with a man so I don’t know what it’s like and I know that’s where a large portion of this comes from. I t