Dawning Creations

I have just recently fallen in love and had my heart broken.. It is exactly how many have described it. It is brutal. The thing that was brutal about my situation was the fact that I never really received full closure. He changed his story at least four times in the messages online and then again on the phone and yet again, online. I do not hold any anger towards him. I do forgive him and wish him well. I still want what’s best for him, even though I am hurting. It will take time to get over this but it’s not forever. Nothing is. So… why regret and meander in self-pity. A great friend of mine recently just told me to spend time with friends, eat plenty of chocolate, watch movies and listen to good music. She also said that GOD will take care of me and is taking good care of me now. After reading what she had gone through in her situations and the advice she had given me, I instantly had an epiphany. It hit me so fast, I almost missed it. GOD. When he and I first started out being friends, he mentioned his faith in GOD and even took me caroling with his church. I remember how happy that night made me. We were rejoicing in the Lord and creating a great bond with one another. Everything felt so beautiful and well, right. Then, towards the middle of the relationship, GOD became less and less involved. At some points, we would discuss religion and GOD and such and he would make arguments as to why GOD doesn’t exist and if he does, how cruel he is. I tried to understand how he was viewing GOD. I can see where his questions made sense and even his theories. However, I told him that I still believe in GOD and am just going to have to find the proper way to worship him. This man was my everything and I wanted so badly to make things work. I gave him all of me and it turned out to be unimportant on his side of things and  eventually, he broke up with me. His final reasoning was because he felt he couldn’t be himself and that he was faking his personality to belong with me. That broke my heart because as friends I mentioned that I always wanted to be honest with one another and I thought that we were. If he told me all of this earlier, it might have been saved. I am still hurting over this; however, I know that the pain will not last. I have had great friends at work, school, and home who have kept me in the light. They keep my head in reality and show me that I deserve someone that is right for me. That someone will be GOD sent. These poems that I have posted are poems that were written at different times. The first two poems were written while I was going through a lot of tough times. I was questioning myself and my thoughts. The last poem is a poem I wrote when my faith in GOD was very very strong. I am trying to get back to that place because I was the happiest then. I know I will get there again. All in GOD’s good time.

Lacking GOD and Sense of Self~Brittny Lee

I just want to make sense of this jumbled up mess replacing my brain.

The hardest thing about all of this is the time.

I have to learn patience and muddle through until time reaches me or I reach that time .
My heart throbs , bleeding out all over the place.
No one knows this.
That’s how I want it
I try to reach out and correct this malformed blob called a thought .
Why does my head fill with such oddities and at such bad times ?
My mind needs to unclog the drain.
There’s much I need to do and yet
There never seems to be enough of time or the right time to perform and perform well.
It all feels mediocre..
Fake and as if in watching someone else who looks like me reading a script.
The eyes not mine .
Not full of life .
Not at all what I am used to.
I don’t know when it started.
I want the better half to be around.
I want it all to make sense again.
I am going in circles and ending up in the same puddle. My feet are soaked and I am so cold.
I loved you.
I loved who I was.
Now.
What is left?
Bring it all back to me will you please ?
Make me into what I can be
Who I am .
No loss just gain from losing the overbearing shell.

The Promise in Empty Space: Brittny Lee

Bringing it Back

This space :
There’s this enormous space inside of me. It keeps me alive, wild and helps to see clearly . It can make all of this goop melt through the cracks in my mind. I become confident it’ll all be gone ingood time. So, yes.  To answer your question, I know there’s more hell around the bend. It’ll worth it.  All of these tired, sleepless nights will be long gone before the next fortnight because everything is hanging right before our eyes . Nothing stays the same and emotions aren’t concrete still. Stagnant water with a good rain gets the smell and non moving to go . So, if all that is possible, I guess there’s room for improvement. Everyone here says they wish all the people would just go home but what is left? Some extra time to clean up a little mess then nothing more. They don’t appreciate. They can’t see the gift right in front of them. The chance to strive and succeed make a little money and then leave. This little space inside of me doesn’t quite comprehend where all of this and that comes from in the end. This little part of me will forever keep surviving, even though it hurts even though things can get worse. It’ll be worth it on the aftermath. You’ll see. I won’t waste my time with self pity over the projects I can’t complete . No, not this time.  I won’t back down or run. I’ll hold my ground . This space inside of me is growing larger and more roomy . All of the ideas forming crystal balls and leading me to better things. Success is so close. I can almost taste it. But this time it’ll be well worth it .

Back to the Rightful Place: A New Beginning:

You’ve always been to make sense. Geertz believes that you are used to give hope and instill a transcendent truth to concepts and rules. I believe there’s more to this story. I love the hope you give and the help you bring. I don’t call you religion. I call you something that brings with it meaning, not a symbol, a piece of mind with a gentle word. Love. You’re love. You keep me breathing. You’ve saved my life. I thought it was for nothing. I was empty and filled with rage.  Regret ebbed more swiftly than the blood that brought me oxygen. All of these little process, so important. I am a miracle. I am a life. Human, with the ability to think, create life and, create art. Created in your image and shedding a light within the darkened alleys in every person who comes to me. To follow you. To be what you want me to be and achieve your goals is what I’ll strive towards.