Dawning Creations

I don’t want to be here today, yet, I am.
Running around this overcrowded, cold and empty place,
I feel many eyes on me.

I don’t want there to be.

I want only to be in my head today,
to be solemn.
I have to smile, be ready for anything,
and be present.
Present, I am not.

I am tired.
I am sore.
I am nervous.

I don’t want to be here today, yet I am.

I know this is right,
but the decision is tough.
All I can do is follow through.
There’s five more hours left.
I can make it.

I don’t want to be here, yet I am.

I know that I can leave.
I can choose to walk away from this,
but what would that solve?
I know I have the choice.
With that knowledge of having the choice, I choose to stay.

The feeling lingers though,
the worry, the doubt.
Is it me?
Or, is it them?
Does it really matter who it is?

I am here, regardless,
putting forth an effort, despite the mess splayed before me.
I’ll follow through with my day.
Perhaps my feelings may alter.
Perhaps this cloud of ambivalence will clear.
Either way, I’m not walking out those doors.
Not yet.
For now, I’m not going anywhere.