Dawning Creations

Disclaimer*! This might be triggering to some readers as there’s mention of suicidal thoughts. I had a bad day with my social anxiety and wrote how I was feeling. As I was writing, I started hearing a voice answering in response. – No silly, I didn’t actually hear a voice. I was being inspired. I decided to write the poem from the perspective of myself ( ball of emotion and all) and from the perspective of my anxiety, if anxiety were a person. I hope you enjoy this piece of myself that I don’t often share. I hope it brings you comfort in knowing you’re not alone. We all have bad days. Hang in there.

The rust feels the same on these
old rails.
I couldn’t stand their rough
touch along my bare feet.
You were unafraid.
You walked a balance beam,
daring me with your eyes,
holding my hand when I tried.

I couldn’t stand the height
nor the scratchy feel
of rust beneath my feet,
that ungodly uneven keel.

Something in me snapped.
Emotion happened so fast,
I couldn’t catch it.
Like trying to catch a bullet
before they pulled the trigger.

The problems around me
felt bigger and bigger.

In the gun,
gone through my hand
when it was all over.

I tried to catch it, to make sense of it.

I’m cleaning up your mess.
You didn’t mean to pull this
metaphoric bullshit with me again.

You know, you’ve told me
all too many times.
I know, I reiterate,
like a skipping record
so I shut down.
We shut down
and try to hold the mechanism steady.

Perhaps, in another life,
I’ll be indestructible.
Perhaps another time,
I’ll wake up with a mind that isn’t mine.
We’ll be alive and rewired
for the final time.

Maybe God will forgive me.
Us.
Maybe he’ll know I didn’t really
WANT to die.
Maybe he’d know you
never meant to kill me.
I’ve,-You’ve gone too far this time.

I’ve endeavored forever it seems
to embrace YOUR discretion,
my own warning to me.

I don’t hate you.
I just can’t stand who we can be.
I don’t wish you harm.
I only want to be free.

Now and then I contemplate ending our committed union.
I can’t comprehend how
there can be a we.
I wanted you to be set free.

The rust feels the same
as it did that summer.
We snuck away,
tucked into the trees.
Along the tracks we’d
run and play.

We can’t exist as long as there’s the two of us.
We can’t exist
so I’m venturing off.
I’m biting the dust,
braving that beam,
stomping cornflakes into that rust.

No, you can’t come with me!

The rust feels the same on these
old rails.
I couldn’t stand to let my bare feet touch them.
You were unafraid.
You walked a balanced beam.
I took you over
and ruined what we could be.


You were so unafraid
on your balanced beam.