Dawning Creations

So…..I have a lot to say. I have been blogging since I was about 19. This blog site has brought me such joy and a way to connect with writers like me and people who understand what it is to be different. It’s opened me up to so many connections I never thought I would get the privilege of making. In those regards, I have something to share with all of you.

My life has always been confusing with many ups and downs. I am blessed to have the great people in my life who have helped me through life, on here and off of here. I was always different and never understood why. I started showing signs in my late teens early twenties (Mood swings), more in particular, that something was wrong. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder, put on antidepressants that added weight to me and never quite helped me.

It wasn’t until someone close to me, broke my heart discussing possible issues with having children that the spiral really began to unfold, my mask shattering before everybody’s eyes.I have to thank this person, though. Without the pain this person caused me, I wouldn’t have went off my antidepressants and have been properly diagnosed.

My major decline began in July. I went off of my antidepressant in March, feeling that I could prove that person wrong. At first, I felt liberated and began losing weight and feeling almost euphoric for months (mania). After that, the depression and anxiety hit. There were days I was afraid to leave my house. I had to call off of work and cried constantly. I was paranoid, feeling I could trust only those close to me ( at an extreme level. It’s the frequency and duration that is the marker). It became harder and harder to maintain my positivity.

I started having trouble sleeping (which has always been a thing but had gotten progressively worse). I would be up all night cleaning an already clean house and going to work on two hours of sleep, when I could. I would burn myself out, not being able to sit and have dinner with my husband or sit and watch a movie. I became angry and aggressive.

I broke things, punched things and took a lot of my confused and misplaced anger on my husband, misunderstanding things he would say at times but I would apologize immediately after. It made no sense and he brought it to my attenion that something was very wrong. When I was up all night crying with him after a flip out, saying, ” I can’t calm down. Why can’t I calm down?” The very next day, I began searching for a therapist and psychiatrist.

I was diagnosed bipolar 1. This diagnosis terrified me but also answered so many questions, while also creating even more. It came with extreme guilt and rapid mood swings and anxiety. I was put on a mood stabilizer and it began to lessen the symptoms, but they were still there. I had my first severe ( freeze ) panic attack at work. I had brought my client inside and got her set up for the morning and then I lost it. My anxiety and low mood had completely taken over.

Luckily, my manager had been there. She stood with me while I melted down in the hallway, hiding my face because I couldn’t bare to let the staff or any child see me in the state I was in. I slid down the wall, hysterically crying and freezing, being unable to go back into the classroom. My manager was a true godsend, grabbing my bag and explaining to staff that I had a “family emergency” and had to go.

I left out of the side of the building, avoiding every eye that could have witnessed me. My therapist was fantastic, using inner child workshops with me. It wasn’t her fault when my mood swings (particularly) my mixed episodes brought me to my very first hospital visit.

I was held inpatient for almost two weeks ( I signed myself in ). My first night, I was blessed to have a friend who was able to get me right in. A lot of people have to wait in the emergency room to wait for a bed to open, before being brought in. The hospital visit had helped by having my medication regulated. The panicked, paranoia and sadness began to lessen and I felt the closest to “baseline” or balanced between ups and downs, in a long time.

Unfortunately, and it happens to many people diagnosed with bipolar, I recently signed myself back in. I was experiencing an extreme low mood (depression) and a sense of hopeless I had never experienced before. I completely lost interest in the things that normally brought me out of an anxiety attack or low feelings. I was crying multiple times a day and just couldn’t feel joy.

After being in the hospital for almost two weeks, like last time, I felt more regulated and still am. It’s always scary, though. I try not to feeling as if i’m standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to be pushed or managing to get away, just in time. I was taught that I am a person who has bipolar. I am not my bipolar and I believe that. It helps when I’m feeling particularly low. My low is manageable with my medicine and coping skills, – I can now use, now that I’m in a more stable state.

This was extremely terrifying but also cathartic to write.I know that there are others going through a very similar experience. This post is for you.

I am still here because I accepted that I  needed help. This situation really humbled me. I learned that this is not my fault. Iwas trying hard to beat this on my own but I didn’t fail by accepting help. To those of you who need this, i hope this helps you. you are not alone.

This song really means a lot to me, especially going through these tough times. Please check out more of her music if you’d like to. She’s been here for me a lot and I want her to know her music is touching hearts. It’s certainly helping mine

Here is the link if you want to check her out .

https://youtu.be/CGbvCgRxwaw?si=0ZY_PW2_Ln0-R87f

It’s called More To Me by Ava.Seville